Replacing my Fears with Faith

“God uses your faith to mold your character. Your exercise of faith builds character. Fortified character expands your capacity to exercise faith. Thus, your confidence in conquering the trials of life is enhanced. And the strengthening cycle continues. The more your character is fortified, the more enabled you are to exercise the power of faith. When challenges and testing do come, your faith will lead you to solutions.”    -Richard G. Scott

Tomorrow is my due date. This week also marks 18 weeks of my current pregnancy. As much as I want to be at ease and excited I have made it this far I still worry. The thing is I don't know how this current pregnancy will end. I don't know if I will be able to carry this baby full term and then bring it home and love on it with the rest, or if in the next 22 weeks I'll have something go wrong and loose it just like I lost Phoenix, and not knowing can be really scary.

I've been really blessed these past months to work through the emotions of loosing Phoenix. Before we left for Utah in December I didn't want to go back. I had left all that pain and emotions of loosing a child there and that was very far away and I didn't want to go back and face all those again.  I told Davids mom that I really needed to talk to her and have her help me process all that was built up inside of me. (Davids mom is trained in EMDR which is an amazing form of therapy that helps a person process and move things along instead of keeping them bottled up inside. That's totally the most basic definition of EMDR though) The first night we were in Utah I had 2 really bad anxiety attacks within hours of each other. I woke up the next morning and told her about them and she set up an appointment for me to meet with her that night after so was done with work. I was so nervous all day. It isn't an easy thing to process past pain and bringing all those horrible memories up again was something I didn't want to do but I knew I needed to do. So I did it. I met with his mom and we processed all that pain and suffering that I had bottled up inside of me for the past 3 months and afterwards I was free. The three months before were so hard. I would randomly just burst into tears. I was sad all the time and found very little joy in life. When I found out I was pregnant again I couldn't help but worry and wonder and stress about what was going to happen. It was a really hard 3 months for me. 

It is amazing the difference I have felt since talking with Leslie. I can think about the experience and I don't burst into tears. I can see a picture of a little baby or realize my due date is tomorrow and I'm ok. I know that Phoenix is where he is supposed to be. I have no doubt in my mind that he just needed a body for a short time. I was holding onto everything to keep him alive and not forget but what I didn't realize is I could move the pain and the sadness along and still remember my sweet little baby but in a more healthy way. 

I am working so hard to put my fears aside. I've always been a fearful person, always! From a young age I was afraid of everything and still am afraid of a lot of things. However my greatest fear is that of the unknown. My mother in-law taught me a great lesson a few years ago. She said that fear is a child's way of dealing with uncertain situations. It is a way of coping. When we become adults often times we still hold onto that fear that protected us when we were young. She said that as an adult we can replace that fear with Faith. And so that has been my journey over the past few years. To really put my faith in my Heavenly Father. He knows all, he knows me and my fears and loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be. He is teaching me and molding me into the person that he knows I can be. It isn't easy and often times I complain and want to give up but then that quiet little peace comes over me and says "everything is ok, he's there he loves you, you can do this"

So even though I am worried I have really been trying to put all my faith in Heavenly Father. I still pray everyday that I will be able to keep this baby but that no matter the outcome I will be strengthened and able to face the future. Through each of my trials by excising faith through prayer and paying tithing and reading the scriptures and just doing what I knew to be right I have been blessed. I cannot deny that the Lord has blessed our family and strengthened my Faith through each of those trials. He has never ever let me down.

A lot of you already know that I lost our last baby September 19th when I was 18 weeks along. To date this has been the hardest trial I have ever gone through. I never realized how difficult this journey would be. This was not my first miscarriage. My first pregnancy ended at just 8 weeks. I remember being very sad and didn't really understand why but it was nothing compared to loosing this baby. You see I gave birth to a baby. I didn't have heavy bleeding and cramping and then just pass clots. I gave birth to a perfectly tiny little baby boy. He had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes. My body actually went into labor for the first time unassisted and my water broke on its own. I experienced all the things of a normal labor and delivery only it was way to early and I knew that I was only birthing his body because his spirit had left a few days prior to begin his mission on the other side.

This pregnancy was typical. I started gaining weight quickly and my belly popped really fast. I was sick but mostly just tired and never threw up (thankfully). I even felt him move the day before I started bleeding. He was moving like crazy. At the time I thought he was just enjoying the ribs as much as I had. I had been so busy in the days leading up to loosing him. My brother was leaving on his 2 year mission I had been away from David for 6 weeks and was preparing to make the drive back to New orleans without him. I just didn't really have time to think about what my body was telling me. Monday night I started to spot very lightly. I cried. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven to not take the baby to let me keep it but also to be able to accept his will.

Tuesday was much better and really I had no bleeding or cramping. I called my Dr in New Orleans and they told me to take it easy and to rest. So I did. That night we had an amazing family night to send my brother off on his mission. Little baby as I had stated above was moving so much! He was going crazy. It was the first time I had really felt him move and it gave me a little more peace of mind that I wasn't going to loose him.

Wednesday was a day dedicated to sending my brother off. We were up early saying our good byes dropping him off and then I ran to the store. I was planning on leaving the next morning and hadn't bought our food for the trip. Finally when I had a moment to myself I was able to listen to my body. I walked around the store and knew something was wrong. I was uncomfortable and I could tell the bleeding had increased. When I got home I went to the bathroom and knew something was very wrong. I called my mom sobbing and told her we needed to go to the ER and could my dad please go pick up the kids from their aunts house. We waited in the ER and then they took us back for an ultrasound. The Tech was very somber. I could tell that something was wrong but still hoped with all my heart for a miracle and to hear that little beating sound. Finally I couldn't take the silence and I asked her if she had seen a heart beat she said "i haven't looked yet." I pushed her further and she said "I'm not supposed to talk to you about this but I know this isn't your first pregnancy and I know that  you know by know I should see something but I don't. There isn't a heartbeat." I lost it. From that moment I could no longer hold back the tears. I ugly cried for a really long time. The tech took me to a private room with my mom and I sobbed some more. I called David on our way to the ER to let him know something was wrong and then spoke to him again through my sobs telling him the horrible news. They gave me a private room in the ER and the Dr came in and told me again that there was no heartbeat and that from this point on it was a waiting game. She said it could take up to 3 weeks. I was shocked, I couldn't wait that long and I didn't want to wait that long. I thanked her and went home and cried some more. Then waited.

Thursday was the longest day of my life. I waited and waited and waited, nothing happened. It was the worse kind of waiting too. I wasn't waiting for my new baby, I was waiting to birth his body. I wasn't going to get to keep him. I had already lost him. Nothing happened. I walked around a store trying to get some contractions going. I actually realized that I had been having contractions for the last few days but they were just like my period cramps so I didn't even realize what was going on. Also I have really bad back labor which I didn't know until this time around because I've always been numb from the waist down. But aside from that nothing was moving along. I called my Dr again and asked her if there was anything I could do and she said no not really. Now I know that DNC is always an option and I was totally ok with that but for some reason I didn't push for it. My plan was to go back Friday afternoon and demand one if I couldn't do it all on my own. Thursday night in a desperate attempt to push things along I took the maximum dose of laxatives. While they did stimulate my lower body I was in a lot more pain from them then I had been from the labor. Those puppies did their job too. I was cleaned out of everything and still hadn't passed any large clots.

Friday morning I started getting really uncomfortable. Like I said before I really don't know what labor feels like cause the minute i had pain I got my epidurals. So around 4:30 am I felt the need to push. I went to the bathroom and tried with no luck. So I went and laid back down. Hoping to ease some of the pain. Then around 6:30 I felt a gush of water and realized my water broke. I ran to the bathroom and delivered our little baby.

Looking back I really had no clue what I was going into. The Nurse had briefly explained that I needed to catch stuff and bring things back in this container and try to get this. But honestly I HAD NO CLUE what I was actually going to have to do. After I delivered the baby my contractions stopped and I panicked. I knew I still needed to deliver the placenta but I couldn't get anything to happen. I had Maggie get my mom and she came to my rescue. I guarantee she never thought she'd have to help me do what she did. She moved me to the bath tub and helped clean up the mess. (I'm sorry this is pretty gross) There was WAY more blood than I had ever seen. My Dr's had done a good job keeping all the graphic bloody stuff away from my sight in the past that I was really shocked about the blood loss.  I kept saying I just need to stop bleeding there is blood everywhere and my mom would just calm me down and say its okay thats normal. After about an hour I finally felt like I had passed most of the big clumps and I needed to go back to the ER. As I was walking in, the room started spinning and my vision was getting really blurry. I couldn't stand up after that. I sat down and they wheeled me to a room and I told them everything that had happened and they ordered an IV so I wouldn't pass out. I just kept my eyes closed and lay there feeling so weak. I had to get up a few times to pass more clots and then they wheeled me back for another ultra sound. It just happened to be the same Tech that was there Wednesday night and had given me the horrible news. I couldn't help but think how crazy that was. She gave great news that my placenta had completely detached and that I wouldn't need a DNC. I stayed at the hospital for a few hours while they gave me more IV fluids and pain pills for the cramps.

They then told me that I would need to fill out a Death Certificate and Sign a letter telling them what to do with the baby. At this point all I wanted was for this to be over with. I signed the letter telling them they could take care of the body. I had one last minute with the little baby before I left that room. I have never felt so empty in all my life as I did at that moment leaving my little baby behind. Knowing that in this life I would never see him again. At that point I didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl because I hadn't taken the time to look. When we got to the car my mom realized that we had left some of my paperwork in the room so she ran back in. She came out and said "when I went back in they had him laying out on the bed. They were so reverent with his body. Emily the Dr. told me it was a boy." I burst into tears again. A little boy. It became even more unbearable to leave.

I ugly cried all day off and on. My family tried to reach out to me but I just wanted to be alone. I slept a lot and ate very little. I called David several times that day sobbing. The hospital called and said that some of the papers we had taken home actually needed to stay at the hospital and that they needed me to bring them back. I filled out the Death Certificate. I called David because I couldn't not give this baby a name. I needed all the closure I could get and giving him a name was part of that. We chose Phoenix Adam. We liked the symbolism behind Phoenix and Adam was a name that had come to me in the temple.

The hospital went above and beyond taking care of me and my son. When my mom got back from dropping off the papers she brought 4 boxes in with her. There were 3 teddy bear boxes from Build a Bear one for each of my kids. A young man had gone through a similar experience when he was 5 and the hospital had given him a white teddy bear. So for his Eagle scout project he returned the favor and donated 150 bears to AF hospital for children that go through what he did. The other was for me. A little memory box (yes I ugly cried again) They took prints of Phoenix's little hands and feet, they were perfect little prints too. It showed every little toe and every little tiny finger. They also did castings of one of his hands and a foot.

All the proof of my pregnancy is in that little box, the picture above and the Death certificate I filled out. I had no baby to show off proudly to everyone. I had only told a few close friends that I was expecting and my family. I'd also been away from New Orleans for almost 3 months and really no one knew I was even pregnant there. I felt prompted to share my story but I didn't know how to. I finally decided to post a conversation we had with the kids to let people know what I was going through and that I had even been pregnant. The outpouring of love and support was more than I could ever imagine. So many people offered prayers and thoughts and love. I could feel the love they had for me. Even more people talked about their experience with loss and reached out to comfort me. It was a very bitter sweet time for me.

The Dr gave me the clear to go home as long as I hadn't passed any large clots in 48 hours so Sunday morning, 48 hours later I headed home to New Orleans. I think one of he hardest things about this experience was I was so far away from David. I missed him already but to deal with all this over the phone was horrible. That being said I know that I was supposed to be there in Utah and with my mom for whatever reason. I was just so ready to be home with my husband. So we drove for 3 days. My brother Tyler endured the ride back with us.

This whole process has been such a journey for me. I've had highs and lots of lows. Its been a long process a lot longer than I had expected it would be. My grieving has been a personal journey and I'm still very much trying to figure it out.

The rest of Summer 2014

Here are a lot more pictures of our adventures over the summer. We really were so blessed to be able to spend so much time with our families in a beautiful place. 

Back at it again...

Well I clearly took the summer off. We actually ended up spending July, August, and most of September in Utah. David was with us for the first 3 weeks and then his Bishop duties and school called so he headed back and we stayed behind to play a little longer.

We stayed part of the time with my family and another part of the time with Davids. Its nice that they are so close so that we can move back and forth and still see everyone.

Auntie Leigh really stepped it up this summer and saved me so many times. She was always willing to take the kids and have a good time with them. She took them on countless walks to see the horses Cash and Lady, the chickens and the Llama. She took Daniel on bike rides, spent endless hours picking things out of the garden with all of them. Got Noah hooked on Zucchini. Read stories, sang songs, had dance parties. Really she is amazing.

Grandma Leslie and Pop Pop spent a lot of time with the kids also. Grandma in her garden and beautiful yard. She took Maggie shopping for her birthday. PopPop was always willing and ready to play a game with d or take them on special trips to the store or movie.

Grandma Banana got them yummy treats and donuts every saturday morning. The kids loved playing in her backyard and watching shows in her bed every morning. She was also a life saver this summer. Grandpa Keith was patient and endured the bedtime madness like a champ and even helped sooth a screaming 2 year old.

Uncle Ty and Jake were always a lot of fun for the kids to play with. Wether it was watching late night movies or dressing up to scare them. They always had fun games planned. Uncle Ty even made the 3 day journey back with us so he is an extra champ in my book.

The kids really had the most amazing summer filled with so many wonderful memories.

My baby brother Jacob entered the MTC on Sept 17 to start his mission in Puebla South Mexico. He is in provo for the first 6 weeks and then gets sent off to Mexico for the rest of his 2 year mission. Our family is so excited for him and can't wait to start hearing all the amazing stories he will have to tell once there.

We went to Island park at the end of August and spent a few days at a cabin my family has been using since my mom was a little girl. It is always worth the work put in when we are up there enjoying nature and all its beauty. We spent a day in Yellowstone and another horse back riding. Sunday afternoon we went on a 4 mile hike along the river. It really was a lot of fun.  Aunt Megan took them on a river ride and  bought the yummiest huckleberry soda.  Lala took them to the damn and played tether ball with them. She also pushed Noah on the swings which is their favorite activity of all time. The kids loved being with their cousins Benji and Wilson. They were in heaven. We are so grateful that my grandma still has access to that magical place.

Daniel started 1st grade in Utah. He loved his experience there and I was so grateful for a kind loving teacher. He is now attending a new school here in New Orleans and has enjoyed it so far. Keeping our fingers crossed this lasts the whole year. He also learned how to ride a 2 wheeler.

I'm still trying to get settled in after a long extend vacation. Our junk is everywhere and needs to find a new home.

Berry Picking

We have a Blackberry bush that lines our back fence. It's so much fun to watch the kids pick and eat as long as they want.