Replacing my Fears with Faith

“God uses your faith to mold your character. Your exercise of faith builds character. Fortified character expands your capacity to exercise faith. Thus, your confidence in conquering the trials of life is enhanced. And the strengthening cycle continues. The more your character is fortified, the more enabled you are to exercise the power of faith. When challenges and testing do come, your faith will lead you to solutions.”    -Richard G. Scott

Tomorrow is my due date. This week also marks 18 weeks of my current pregnancy. As much as I want to be at ease and excited I have made it this far I still worry. The thing is I don't know how this current pregnancy will end. I don't know if I will be able to carry this baby full term and then bring it home and love on it with the rest, or if in the next 22 weeks I'll have something go wrong and loose it just like I lost Phoenix, and not knowing can be really scary.

I've been really blessed these past months to work through the emotions of loosing Phoenix. Before we left for Utah in December I didn't want to go back. I had left all that pain and emotions of loosing a child there and that was very far away and I didn't want to go back and face all those again.  I told Davids mom that I really needed to talk to her and have her help me process all that was built up inside of me. (Davids mom is trained in EMDR which is an amazing form of therapy that helps a person process and move things along instead of keeping them bottled up inside. That's totally the most basic definition of EMDR though) The first night we were in Utah I had 2 really bad anxiety attacks within hours of each other. I woke up the next morning and told her about them and she set up an appointment for me to meet with her that night after so was done with work. I was so nervous all day. It isn't an easy thing to process past pain and bringing all those horrible memories up again was something I didn't want to do but I knew I needed to do. So I did it. I met with his mom and we processed all that pain and suffering that I had bottled up inside of me for the past 3 months and afterwards I was free. The three months before were so hard. I would randomly just burst into tears. I was sad all the time and found very little joy in life. When I found out I was pregnant again I couldn't help but worry and wonder and stress about what was going to happen. It was a really hard 3 months for me. 

It is amazing the difference I have felt since talking with Leslie. I can think about the experience and I don't burst into tears. I can see a picture of a little baby or realize my due date is tomorrow and I'm ok. I know that Phoenix is where he is supposed to be. I have no doubt in my mind that he just needed a body for a short time. I was holding onto everything to keep him alive and not forget but what I didn't realize is I could move the pain and the sadness along and still remember my sweet little baby but in a more healthy way. 

I am working so hard to put my fears aside. I've always been a fearful person, always! From a young age I was afraid of everything and still am afraid of a lot of things. However my greatest fear is that of the unknown. My mother in-law taught me a great lesson a few years ago. She said that fear is a child's way of dealing with uncertain situations. It is a way of coping. When we become adults often times we still hold onto that fear that protected us when we were young. She said that as an adult we can replace that fear with Faith. And so that has been my journey over the past few years. To really put my faith in my Heavenly Father. He knows all, he knows me and my fears and loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be. He is teaching me and molding me into the person that he knows I can be. It isn't easy and often times I complain and want to give up but then that quiet little peace comes over me and says "everything is ok, he's there he loves you, you can do this"

So even though I am worried I have really been trying to put all my faith in Heavenly Father. I still pray everyday that I will be able to keep this baby but that no matter the outcome I will be strengthened and able to face the future. Through each of my trials by excising faith through prayer and paying tithing and reading the scriptures and just doing what I knew to be right I have been blessed. I cannot deny that the Lord has blessed our family and strengthened my Faith through each of those trials. He has never ever let me down.